As an executive coach I spend a lot of time working with complaining and complaints.
It's no secret that my clients often come to me complaining - about their situation, their coworkers, their boss, what's happening in the world, you name it. It's not even unusual to be complaining about other people complaining!
And I'm OK with that. Complaining is a desire to engage. You're still in the game if you care enough to complain about something. So sometimes what we are looking at is how to get out of a habit of non-productive complaining - or how to help others do so. Whining, nagging, "victim" mindsets, resentment, burnout, feeling stuck, the list goes on.
For some people, a phase of complaining is unusual and it signals that something needs adjustment. For others, complaining is a common way they express themselves. Commiserating with others is one way to connect, after all.
I also clarify with my clients that "good complaining" is a skill that can be learned. You can see complaining as a spectrum from really unhelpful complaining that damages relationships and makes the situation worse - to a well-crafted complaint intended to ask for a specific change and improve a situation.
A client recently asked me to share published information on the positive end of this spectrum: what makes a good complaint? How can someone shift toward clarity and asking for what they need?
Here's one way we do it. None of these steps is easy at first, but it's always worth it!
How to make a Good Complaint, step-by-step:
First, you have to look at your complaining and decide what is it you actually want? This isn't always obvious. A skilled friend, mentor, or coach can be very helpful to sort out mixed feelings and come up with a clear request. There may be more than one request in the mix (especially if it's a longstanding situation), but it's good to separate the elements and decide how to handle each one. You can also try writing down what's running through your mind and then organizing it on paper. A creative or artistic outlet can also be very helpful.
Second, you need to try getting to a place of equanimity and calm if you can. Often there is a lot of emotion coupled with the complaints, and it can make it difficult to ask for what you want without sneaking in some kind of hinted judgement or accusation. There are a lot of approaches available to "processing" emotions and role playing that you can practice ahead of time so that your message gets through clearly. We do a lot of this in coaching sessions. It's hard to reach resolution if one or the other person defaults back to blaming, name calling, etc. Of course, it's unlikely you'll be completely unfazed by the time you make your complaint. That's OK, just do your best. (And if you are completely calm about it, you may have solved your problem already. Maybe ask yourself if you need to make the complaint after all?)
Third, it's best if you can be a little vulnerable and describe how the situation is impacting you. Here you can express emotions in ways that open the door to mutual understanding. "I feel" or similar statements work magic compared with "I think you should" or anything that places you in the position of being right and places the other person on a defensive or counter-attack mode. I know it's hard to let down the fortress walls and weapons when you feel you've been wronged, but please consider it as an option. A good complaint is NOT a criticism. When you find yourself thinking or speaking in critical tones or feeling self-righteous, PAUSE. You are not improving the situation. You've moved from making a skilled request that could unlock creative solutions to making a demand that may backfire.
Fourth, be as specific as possible. Remember step one? Try to work with one thing at a time. Because the situation may be charged with emotion, you want to keep it simple and straightforward. Timing is important too. If you can skillfully offer a complaint in the moment when the situation arises, terrific! But if you have multiple related complaints piled up, it's good to remember that each complaint handled successfully will strengthen your relationships. As you become more skilled at complaints, you'll gain confidence and be able to make future complaints with more ease. So can you take more time to work it out little by little? Any urgency you feel to plow into everything at once may be coming from your pent-up stress, and that may not be the best motivation.
Fifth, include the action that will remedy the situation. This is the clincher when it comes to moving from unhelpful complaining to a well-crafted complaint. You need to clearly ask for the thing you want. You'd be surprised how often we all think "but he/she/they SHOULD KNOW!" Or how often you think you've made a crystal clear request, and actually the other person heard it very differently. Especially if someone is feeling under pressure in that moment, so many things can go wrong in how they hear or interpret the message.
Sixth, keep the complaint as short as possible, and see where it leads. I've been wordy in describing the process. That's ironic, because the best approach is to be swift and sure when you actually make the complaint. You are opening up a conversation and trying to find the best repair, so don't talk it to death if you can help it.
Seventh, listen to the response with the intent to understand the other person's point of view. This is crucial. If you go in thinking you know the resolution, you will be missing out on so much. What happens next can be a rich - if difficult - conversation (or more than one) about needs and expectations. The other person may come back with their own complaints, which may also be valid. They may react quickly at first and then need more time to integrate what you've said. They may not be skilled at receiving complaints, and may say or do some unfortunate things. They may be completely surprised that you have this complaint. There are so many things that can happen now that you've said what you want to say! You don't know what will happen until the moment arrives. But you will gain something valuable if you can stay present with whatever arises and learn something you didn't know before you started. There are a plethora of ways to get good at having tough conversations, and the scope of that topic exceeds the space we have here!
One simple (but common) complaint example, with different ways to open:
"I noticed that you were late for the meeting again today...
... I want to respect everyone's time and get as much done as possible when we're able to get together. Could you arrive on time, or at least send a note if you are running late?"
... Is there something about this meeting time that makes it difficult for you to arrive on time? I'd like to find a way to make it work for everyone."
... It's really important to me that we show all the team members that their time is valuable, and one way to do that is to honor meeting start times. We're all really busy, and this is one way we can support each other and keep projects on track. Do you agree?"
Frequently asked questions:
Q: "People come to me complaining all the time. How can I coach a 'complainer' to get better at making good complaints?"
A: You start at step one. When someone is complaining a lot, you can gently interrupt them by asking, "so what is it you would like instead?" or a similar question. See if you can help them into a mode where they can see what to ask for and how to ask for it.
Q: "How do I know I've succeeded in making a good complaint?"
A: You'll want to look for some lifting of your stress. Even if the resolution is not what you wanted, good complaints are an essential communication tool and it feels good to get good at asking for what you want. You may be "shaking in your boots" at the moment when you make the complaint, but after you might notice a shift or a recognition of some kind. You took action, and that will have an effect.
And in time, a lot of complaints can even be NO BIG DEAL! Just part of a normal day. If you can get to a place where a little humor will help, do that too!
Maybe... you and your comes-late-to-every-meeting colleague can have a good-natured laugh about it instead of snapping at each other!
First posted March 12, 2023
Written by Erin (Pink) Mosley
©️ 2023 Erin Mosley, Inc.
It's no secret that my clients often come to me complaining - about their situation, their coworkers, their boss, what's happening in the world, you name it. It's not even unusual to be complaining about other people complaining!
And I'm OK with that. Complaining is a desire to engage. You're still in the game if you care enough to complain about something. So sometimes what we are looking at is how to get out of a habit of non-productive complaining - or how to help others do so. Whining, nagging, "victim" mindsets, resentment, burnout, feeling stuck, the list goes on.
For some people, a phase of complaining is unusual and it signals that something needs adjustment. For others, complaining is a common way they express themselves. Commiserating with others is one way to connect, after all.
I also clarify with my clients that "good complaining" is a skill that can be learned. You can see complaining as a spectrum from really unhelpful complaining that damages relationships and makes the situation worse - to a well-crafted complaint intended to ask for a specific change and improve a situation.
A client recently asked me to share published information on the positive end of this spectrum: what makes a good complaint? How can someone shift toward clarity and asking for what they need?
Here's one way we do it. None of these steps is easy at first, but it's always worth it!
How to make a Good Complaint, step-by-step:
First, you have to look at your complaining and decide what is it you actually want? This isn't always obvious. A skilled friend, mentor, or coach can be very helpful to sort out mixed feelings and come up with a clear request. There may be more than one request in the mix (especially if it's a longstanding situation), but it's good to separate the elements and decide how to handle each one. You can also try writing down what's running through your mind and then organizing it on paper. A creative or artistic outlet can also be very helpful.
Second, you need to try getting to a place of equanimity and calm if you can. Often there is a lot of emotion coupled with the complaints, and it can make it difficult to ask for what you want without sneaking in some kind of hinted judgement or accusation. There are a lot of approaches available to "processing" emotions and role playing that you can practice ahead of time so that your message gets through clearly. We do a lot of this in coaching sessions. It's hard to reach resolution if one or the other person defaults back to blaming, name calling, etc. Of course, it's unlikely you'll be completely unfazed by the time you make your complaint. That's OK, just do your best. (And if you are completely calm about it, you may have solved your problem already. Maybe ask yourself if you need to make the complaint after all?)
Third, it's best if you can be a little vulnerable and describe how the situation is impacting you. Here you can express emotions in ways that open the door to mutual understanding. "I feel" or similar statements work magic compared with "I think you should" or anything that places you in the position of being right and places the other person on a defensive or counter-attack mode. I know it's hard to let down the fortress walls and weapons when you feel you've been wronged, but please consider it as an option. A good complaint is NOT a criticism. When you find yourself thinking or speaking in critical tones or feeling self-righteous, PAUSE. You are not improving the situation. You've moved from making a skilled request that could unlock creative solutions to making a demand that may backfire.
Fourth, be as specific as possible. Remember step one? Try to work with one thing at a time. Because the situation may be charged with emotion, you want to keep it simple and straightforward. Timing is important too. If you can skillfully offer a complaint in the moment when the situation arises, terrific! But if you have multiple related complaints piled up, it's good to remember that each complaint handled successfully will strengthen your relationships. As you become more skilled at complaints, you'll gain confidence and be able to make future complaints with more ease. So can you take more time to work it out little by little? Any urgency you feel to plow into everything at once may be coming from your pent-up stress, and that may not be the best motivation.
Fifth, include the action that will remedy the situation. This is the clincher when it comes to moving from unhelpful complaining to a well-crafted complaint. You need to clearly ask for the thing you want. You'd be surprised how often we all think "but he/she/they SHOULD KNOW!" Or how often you think you've made a crystal clear request, and actually the other person heard it very differently. Especially if someone is feeling under pressure in that moment, so many things can go wrong in how they hear or interpret the message.
Sixth, keep the complaint as short as possible, and see where it leads. I've been wordy in describing the process. That's ironic, because the best approach is to be swift and sure when you actually make the complaint. You are opening up a conversation and trying to find the best repair, so don't talk it to death if you can help it.
Seventh, listen to the response with the intent to understand the other person's point of view. This is crucial. If you go in thinking you know the resolution, you will be missing out on so much. What happens next can be a rich - if difficult - conversation (or more than one) about needs and expectations. The other person may come back with their own complaints, which may also be valid. They may react quickly at first and then need more time to integrate what you've said. They may not be skilled at receiving complaints, and may say or do some unfortunate things. They may be completely surprised that you have this complaint. There are so many things that can happen now that you've said what you want to say! You don't know what will happen until the moment arrives. But you will gain something valuable if you can stay present with whatever arises and learn something you didn't know before you started. There are a plethora of ways to get good at having tough conversations, and the scope of that topic exceeds the space we have here!
One simple (but common) complaint example, with different ways to open:
"I noticed that you were late for the meeting again today...
... I want to respect everyone's time and get as much done as possible when we're able to get together. Could you arrive on time, or at least send a note if you are running late?"
... Is there something about this meeting time that makes it difficult for you to arrive on time? I'd like to find a way to make it work for everyone."
... It's really important to me that we show all the team members that their time is valuable, and one way to do that is to honor meeting start times. We're all really busy, and this is one way we can support each other and keep projects on track. Do you agree?"
Frequently asked questions:
Q: "People come to me complaining all the time. How can I coach a 'complainer' to get better at making good complaints?"
A: You start at step one. When someone is complaining a lot, you can gently interrupt them by asking, "so what is it you would like instead?" or a similar question. See if you can help them into a mode where they can see what to ask for and how to ask for it.
Q: "How do I know I've succeeded in making a good complaint?"
A: You'll want to look for some lifting of your stress. Even if the resolution is not what you wanted, good complaints are an essential communication tool and it feels good to get good at asking for what you want. You may be "shaking in your boots" at the moment when you make the complaint, but after you might notice a shift or a recognition of some kind. You took action, and that will have an effect.
And in time, a lot of complaints can even be NO BIG DEAL! Just part of a normal day. If you can get to a place where a little humor will help, do that too!
Maybe... you and your comes-late-to-every-meeting colleague can have a good-natured laugh about it instead of snapping at each other!
First posted March 12, 2023
Written by Erin (Pink) Mosley
©️ 2023 Erin Mosley, Inc.
